My self-centeredness was reality which I often struggled.
I believed the world revolved around me and that everything was all about me.
I also had a wish to understand everything especially my brother Keith.
When we were growing up he would do the most bizarre things to me.
I recall the time my mother left us alone briefly.
That little time alone was just enough time for Keith to deceived me into eating a button.
It was either that or have my head covered with a pillow for God only knows how long.
Talk about torture endured by a younger sibling. “Phew! Thank God I survived.”
As I got older I sensed there was something more behind his actions and I tried “with all my heart” to understand what that something more could have been.
Deep-seated, internal fear forced me to seek things outside of myself for security.
I longed being accepted by my brother.
As I look back on things, I may have even dived head first into all the popular sports to appease my brother.
I played basketball, football and baseball, but football was definitely my favorite and the one sport I excelled in.
I wasn’t sure if I excelled because the game just came naturally for me, or if it was because I could always count on Keith being there cheering his little brother on.
Because it made him happy when I played I always made sure I played well!
The fear of how disappointed he might be if I didn’t was my driving force.
Trying to live up to another person’s unrealistic expectations was at times brutal.
I became angry and often felt resentment towards him.
Because we were very close, it only made sense that I blame him for all of these negative feelings.
He was definitely my problem!
With hopes of releasing all the bitterness and resentment I’d carried toward my brother I asked God for the courage, peace, and wisdom to face him and honestly share my feelings.
After all my mind enslaved with the belief that I never measured up to Keith’s expectation of me and now I wanted freedom.
When I asked him why he was so abusive toward me growing up, he explained, “before you were born, mom gave me all the attention and now the attention rested solely on you.”
From his point of view it seemed that mom had forgotten about him.
He also shared that he didn’t know how to express his feeling of abandonment so he behaved harshly toward me.
He admitted that he had been jealous of me, but that he was very sorry for any harmful actions against me in the past.
And to imagine that after all this time I thought it was something I must have done or said?
Believing I could make it better if only I performed well enough or constantly surrendered to his unreasonable demands.
I thank God for the revelation!
In order to release all the bottled up negative emotion I had to allow God to give me the courage to speak up and the willingness to listen.
He granted me a heart to understand and compassion to forgive. That forgiveness had to extend past my brother and to myself as well.
When others are jealous and envious and it’s directed at you continue to seek the face of God.
Pray for them.
You will find later that it has less to do with you and quite often more to do with their insecurities or inadequacies.
Having a strong need for acceptance by people and attempting to change others is futile at best.
It is far beyond our control but within God’s provision.
Speak your truth to God and others no matter what the cost.
Let the voice of God be your guide; your protection.
And even if standing for the truth appears costly it will be worthwhile in the end.
Our God is the Truth, the Way, and the Light!
I wanted freedom from the bondage of not understanding my brother Keith and God allowed the truth to set me free.
I thank God daily for me and my big brother loving relationship.